I want to address something that has been on my mind, something I face at least once per month.
Depression and anxiety; these are lifelong battles for some people, myself included. It is something within us that we must deal with throughout our lives, no matter how good things are. It is a brain issue, a chemical issue, and an empathic issue.
I have struggled with both of these for most of my life even from childhood. Yesterday it hit me again, and today it is really bad. I have this sudden overwhelming feeling of sadness and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.
I can’t do that as I have a sick child home. Instead, I go on, as most of us do, and I press down the feelings whenever my daughter needs something. As soon as she steps away, it hits again and so it goes, not only for her, but also for my husband and son when they get home.
The difference is, now I am in a safe place to honour this cycle and ride through it with the support of my amazing husband and kids. There is no fear of reprisal or condemnation from those I love because they understand me and love me unconditionally.
They know this happens sometimes and that it is ok, and it is never because of them. I didn’t know this when I was young, and when my mother locked herself away, I always took it as something I had done.
I know part of it is overload. I have likely done too much, attending too many things, been around too many people, etc.
I need some time to shut down, and this is a physical need, not just a want. I must take the time, or I will really shut down and then no one will be able to talk to me as I will just shut off.
Part of the spiritual journey is to ‘know thyself.’ I know myself and I honour the needs of my body, mind and spirit and this is essential for balance.
I really dislike the whole idea that people who do Spiritual work must always be happy. If you are always happy, then you have disconnected from your humanity. We are here to experience being human and part of that, is processing emotions, all of them.
I have everything I have ever wanted, my life is rich with experience, filled with joy and laughter, my kids are awesome, my work is fulfilling and exciting, and I have a love that I had no idea even existed prior to meeting my husband. Yet, the emotional cycles still come and I still must ride them out.
Granted, I recognise them and listen to my needs as soon as I start to feel it now, and that makes the recovery time way faster. If I didn’t listen, I would likely have a panic attack followed by a complete shut-down. That is not pretty and it is very, very hard to snap out of.
The process goes like this. I recognise the build-up as I get real sensitive and bitchy. Things that never bother me, all of a sudden irk me and I feel rage build up and I lash out (verbally) as I am unable to regulate my emotions.
My senses are heightened, sounds, odours, clothing all feel amplified. Then I feel the self-hatred begin because I was unkind to myself or someone else, then the self-loathing and tearing myself apart comes.
After that, the fear and terrible mortality dramas (visions of people I love dying) begin. Then I start looking at the state of the world and I unwittingly tap into the collective world energy and feel the sorrow, pain and anguish of so many people and animals that it overwhelms me to the point that I don’t want to be here anymore.
Next, the anxiety and helplessness set in and I just need to call in my guides and Archangel Michael to sweep away the negative attachments and falsehoods and ease the processing.
Then finally, when the kids are settled and Brent is home I can sleep to stop the negative thought patterns. Unlike my normal 6 hours though, I could sleep up to 14 hours.
I am also reminded during ‘sleep’ of the work I am here to do and I won’t even go into what I experience while ‘sleeping’ as that would blow your mind, I will just say I am working outside of the physical. I also know that my spirit connection is never lost, just temporarily obstructed.
This whole process, only takes about 2 days, whereas it use to consume me for 2 weeks. I see it for what it is, but that does not automatically stop it from happening. I still have to ride out the storm, we all do.
I know this is part of my journey and I accept that it is my cross to bear. I wouldn’t give up my abilities to be rid of it, which is why I chose not to use medication anymore. It shut down my abilities along with all the bad stuff.
I know there is an end to these cycles in sight now, and back then I couldn’t know that it would end, as I didn’t know myself. I was severely shutting down and really needed that medication back then or I very well may not be here today.
I just wanted to share this with you so that you are not so hard on yourselves when you experience emotions that are deemed negative. They are all a part of us, and an unavoidable part of living through these difficult times we find ourselves in.
Some of the ways I cope with my depression and anxiety are baking, writing, crocheting or reading something I can get engrossed in, like teen fiction; Warrior Cats, Harry Potter, etc. I must keep my hands and my mind busy to distract myself so my (and other people’s) thoughts and emotions don’t consume me.
So, as I sit here sipping on a decaf after 1pm in my pyjamas and robe, unshowered with unbrushed hair, and feeling the crushing weight of depression, I know things will be better tomorrow; and if not, then the next day and I am fine with that.
I wish you a lovely day, and please, be kind to yourselves, and always practice self-care without judging yourself so harshly.
The Rescue by Sulamith Wülfing
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