So I had a dream that someone I knew was a mermaid, and she could only be in the water for short periods of time as it was a bit too overwhelming. She was happy but yet facing things she had not expected. This energetic imprint felt familiar and it reminded me of my own experiences with the mermaid.
I had this dream of myself once, and it was so telling of what was happening in my life at that time. I was finally in a healthy relationship and I did not know how to be in one. I was swimming in a sea of emotions, some I had not felt before, such as true selfless love. He loved me as much as I loved him and his love was truly unconditional.
I kept waiting for that cycle of abuse I had come to know for so long and it was not there. I did not know how to be in the moment, living fully without the fear and abuse and without the turmoil. I had to learn how to love again, and how to be loved properly.
This was what I went through when I found Brent and began to face all the sides of myself which had developed from being in unhealthy relationships. I had to face the reactionary being I had become from a lifetime of experiencing physical, sexual, emotional and psychological abuse.
I had to look at all my own triggers and my reactions to him and to his words. My perspectives and my perception of reality was skewed. I expected him to be a certain way because that was all I had known. I had to try and transform my own fear of love into an acceptance and new way of relating in a healthy way.
I loved swimming in the joyous emotions, but could only handle it in small doses, then I would lash out, or have an emotional storm, where I would be angry, then sad, then sobbing for no apparent reason. My inner child still had a lingering victim consciousness and this created a passive aggressive tendency to push those that cared too much away.
It was unfamiliar to me, I was not use to feeling that love, safety or security. I was waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop as it always had, only this time, it was not going to happen. He was not giving up on me. He was a strong, loving man who was not afraid to walk head on into my emotional storm and help pull me out from the depths; just as I would not give way to his tendency to bury his pain.
This all did not happen until I was unexpectedly faced with great changes and my sense of autonomy was challenged. My life began to feel like it was no longer my choice again. Ironically I had never had security in all areas of my life, yet I did at that point. Previously, it was always riddled with conditions or was at best fleeting; dependent upon moods or events of those around me.
My Ego responded and wanted to take back control, but I was unable to as there was a life lesson I needed to face. My first instinct has always been to flee, and I almost did, but I knew I was meant to face it all at his side and follow whatever path was laid before me.
It was my false persona of a partner that needed to be shattered. My own ideas of what being a partner was, were completely shaped by dysfunction and abuse. I had no idea how to be a loving person to myself, nor did I know how to allow that love in, as what I had previously thought was love had hurt me so many times. I equated opening up those parts of myself to another, with pain and loss of self.
This was not to be with Brent, and I had to learn again who I truly was and lose those last bits of resistance which had hidden themselves deep beneath the surface which rebelled against the normal life I was living. Our home was blessed, beautiful and calm, and I was not use to that way of life. I had become accustomed to chaos and conflict after so many years of living in that mindset.
When we moved out of what we had created together and had to move into the dirty remnants of his previous life which had also been filled with dysfunction, it all came crashing down. No longer was I in my safe space and our shared beautiful energy, we now face the energies that permeated the very walls of the home where he had experienced so much chaos and pain. I could feel it, and he could too.
We both had to learn to swim down to the depths of our emotions and search the murky waters to find the hidden riches. We then had to drag each of them to the surface and explore every facet and shine the light of love upon them. Only then, did they grow from the distorted and menacing clump of matter into priceless treasures.
While hiding from the waves of those dark emotions, we had not realised there were gifts to be carried up to the surface and explored. What once had created a dark shadow that silently ruled our lives, now became a beautiful collection of new tools and courage which we now use to strengthen our bond and that of our family.
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